In families, we often have that one sibling, parent or partner who seems to get drenched in misery, even when a tsunami of good fortune or joy is upon them, or that person who’ll fight to the death even though evidence is stacked up against them. No matter how much logic you point out, or encouragement you offer, change is always something that remains elusive, even though life could be so much easier on the other side.
Workplaces are no different.
But what I want to chat with you about today, isn’t how to motivate them to change, but the cycle they’re trapped in that makes it impossible for them to … or so it seems.
Not for the purpose of making excuses for them, but for the purposes of education, because that’s a much more proactive and helpful focus, than never ending frustration.
Let me introduce you to the Drama Triangle and how to tell if it’s sending your people’s productivity, communication and cohesion south.
The three roles of the Drama Triangle are ones that we ALL play, not just occasionally, but every single day, whether we realise it or not, (I can do a full lap within about 10 seconds). Now this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, because we all know that we are never inspired to change until things become uncomfortable, but sometimes we marry, live with, are related to or work with people who find discomfort quite comfortable.
And it freaking does our heads in.
Here’s why.
The Persecutor (aka the villain, the critic, the judge etc).
These are the people who are problem conveyor belts. No matter what solution you come up with they’ll find a problem to upend it. They’re much fonder of calling out what, or who the problem is, than proactively looking for an answer to it.
They resist feedback, resist change and resist taking accountability for their part when things go south. They are never wrong, never to blame and never really happy with the meal they ordered, the budget they’re given, the strategic plan or the values you pin to the wall.
At best, they are like those two old blokes in the Muppets – Statler and Waldorf – the hecklers known for their negative opinions and for being as subtle as a house brick.
At worst, they are the reason behind the increasing time you invest in managing psychosocial or bullying claims and having to put another job ad on Seek because you keep losing good people.
You’ll know if you have one on staff, because there’ll be hallway meetings, silos, bias, exclusion, inappropriate behaviour, and resistance.
There is a very easy way to turn these people around and it’s a lot easier than you may think … and does not involve performance management, final warnings or difficult conversations.
More on that later.
The next stop on our tour around the Drama Triangle, is into the victimhood.
Property is at a premium here because it’s always getting snapped up and those who live there don’t often plan on moving out any time soon.
Now, I want to clarify something here. The term ‘victim’ is not one I feel comfortable with in this sense, as society has really cheapened this label – one that many people have every right, and often little desire, to wear. Victims of abuse, of crime of war – we must never let our taunts of “you’re playing the victim” ridicule the trauma many people have and continue to endure. Therefore, I want you to see this one more as a sufferer or even as Eeyore, the lovable, but gloomy and pessimistic donkey in the Winnie the Pooh tribe. I am going to use the term victim, because that’s what Stephen Karpman, the psychiatrist who created this model coined it, but wanted to set that distinction before we go any further.
OK, now that’s been said, let me introduce you to The Victim.
They’re the ones who know Murphy’s Law is a thing and who never really want to get too excited because if they do, disappointment will find them.
They gift wrap their existence in a mantra of “life wasn’t meant to be easy” and as a result never really hold their breath (unless they’re wanting to direct it into blowing up pity party balloons). They seriously believe that good things aren’t theirs to have and that any good stuff that comes their way will be short-lived at best. They regularly plunge their hands into big buckets of joy but always seem to come out clutching misery.
They’re hard work and they’re draining and they may even make your soul feel like it’s leaving your body as they recount their hardships in great detail, on repeat.
You’ll know if you have one on staff because they’ll be earning the same as others but doing far less work. They’ll be holding back in meetings and are full of great ideas but never really prepared to take the steps to action them.
They interpret people’s neutral behaviour as rejection and although they’ll complain to whoever stops long enough to listen, they’ll never submit those complaints to the right people, often amidst a muttering of “what’s the point!”
I can tell you without any hesitation whatsoever, that these people hate living in the victimhood as much as you hate being forced to visit them there. But, long ago, they’ve been taught that when they struggle, they’re loved. As a result, they develop a real fear of good health or happiness, because a lifetime of experience has taught them that when things are going well, bad stuff happens.
At best, they are frustrating and the reason other people work such long hours.
At worst, for the workplace, they bring people down and over time become the norm, where everyone tags out because they’re just so defeated. At worst for the person themselves, they develop Polyvagal Syndrome – a biological default where executive functioning shuts down and their neurology focuses on surviving, not on thriving. You often see this manifest in childhood, when dysfunctional or volatile family behaviour temporarily ceases due to the child sustaining an injury or experiencing an illness. Very quickly, those juvenile neural pathways do a ‘click, file, store’ as they backup the belief that when they are struggling, people are nice to them. As adults they hate it, but by then it’s their normal and they’re powerless to do anything to change it … until one very simple change happens to rewire them.
The same change that I referred to above, that also rewires The Persecutor. But again … more on that shortly.
Our last stop in our tour around The Drama Triangle is into the world of The Rescuer.
These are the people that save the day, save others from pressure and save anyone from really needing to have the answers, because they’re freely handing them out.
Struggle is like a mating call to a rescuer. If anyone is sad, stressed, being picked on, or drowning under the weight of deadlines and responsibilities, the Rescuer will swoop in, often to carry the load for you and often with cake and coffee “just how you like it”.
They shop for their worth in the opinions of others, so will do everything they can to ensure they are liked, appreciated, approved of and valued, because without this affirmation, they spiral down into their emotional default of feeling guilty, defective or not good enough.
You’ll know if you have one on staff, because they’ll be helping others, often before they’re even asked to. They’ll be carrying a bigger load than most and working longer hours than they’re paid for. They avoid difficult conversations or deliver them in a vague or softened way.
They avoid delegation at all costs, believing that everyone’s busy already and adding more to their plates will make them a burden, so will always put their hand up for more work, even though they passed capacity months ago.
They live on the brink of burnout and will generally only take time off when sickness or family issues pull rank but will take their laptops home with them in an effort to lessen the guilt.
As a result of all these factors, you’ll be noticing compromised professional boundaries and role clarity that’s murky at best.
And here’s where I want you to take a big deep breath and find the strength to read this next part with curiosity, not judgement.
The Rescuer, despite being the helper, the saviour, the hero and probably also your best worker, is also the most destructive player in The Drama Triangle. For the Rescuer is also the Persecutor’s and the Victim’s enabler.
As enablers, they’ll nod and make supportive listening noises when unpleasant people start ranting inappropriately about others, or they’ll placate the workplace tyrants, at the cost of losing good staff. They’ll also step in and carry the load when the Victim needs to take their budgie to the vet (for the eighth time that week), or they’ll sit there and listen to them wax lyrical about their hardships, their relationships and their struggles, even though this conversation has been on repeat for the last 400 years (or so it seems).
So, let’s circle back to one of my original points – that we are only often inspired to change when were uncomfortable.
When you have performance management meetings with the Persecutor and/or the Victim, often they’ll fall on deaf ears because it’s YOU who values change, not them. They see no issue with their own performance and will usually resist making improvements, even though they’ve possibly told you that they will.
The reason you’re not seeing a change, is because you’re trying to get it from the wrong people. Your rescuers are the key to unlocking improvement.
They are really nice people. They desperately want to stand up for themselves, to call people out, to hold people accountable and to stop carrying loads that aren’t theirs to carry, but they have never been taught how to.
Not properly anyway.
They way they have been taught is to “be more confident”, “speak up more”, “just say no” etc. But as much as they want to, they won’t, because all of those actions will result in the one thing the Rescuer fears most – letting people down.
BUT, when you teach your Rescuers how to do all of these things and make themselves and others accountable, without starting a fight or making people feel bad, an amazing thing happens.
Persecutors stop being difficult, because they’ll learn pretty quick smart that when they do, the other person is going to challenge them in a way that is not hostile, but helpful.
Victims will stop dropping the ball, because others are no longer doing the heavy lifting, which means they’ll need to pick it up themselves.
And the way you get Rescuers to do this, is by teaching them the art of curious questioning – a technique, that invites people to own their actions, and in doing so, they’ll quickly change them, so in future they don’t have to.
This technique will make your workplace see a significant decline in workplace bullying, control, favouritism, breached professional boundaries, bias and under-performing.
When you teach it to everyone, the Rescuers will use it, but the Persecutors and Victims will adjust their behaviour to stop the Rescuers from using it.
I worked with a not-for-profit in Perth back in May, who was staring down a mass walkout of 17 staff due to The Drama Triangle wreaking havoc in the workplace.
After a full day of training and an individual coaching session (a couple of weeks later) with each staff member to really embed the curious questioning approach, the difference was obvious.
The CEO sent me an email last week, with the subject heading “you have worked a miracle”. He then went on to share that people are still working together, being accountable for their assumptions, demonstrating respect and being proactive, not reactive, six months on.
And, while I am tempted to take credit, I can’t, because the ONE thing that drove this huge cultural shift can be summed up in one word.
Education.
We don’t know what we don’t know, and we cannot change what we cannot see.
When we are directed to DO things differently, change is resisted and short lived.
But when we are inspired to SEE things differently, change becomes rapid and long-lasting.
Drop me a line if you’d like me to take you and/or your staff on a judgement-free lap around The Drama Triangle so they can discover the most important thing of all – that there’s another triangle. One where accountability, empathy, maturity and emotional intelligence run the show, and workplaces, relationships and life become a whole lot easier.
Your people aren’t choosing to be in The Drama Triangle – they’re probably completely unaware it even exists.
Just think what could be possible when that changes.
Leanne Shaw
Soft Skills Specialist – RebootMindsetTraining.com.au