We’ve all heard the phrase “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” but have you ever wondered if it’s doing you more harm than good?
So, what is the difference between being nice and being kind, and why does knowing the difference matter?
Well, they may seem like the same thing on the surface, they are actually very different.
One will improve the confidence you have in your communication, your relationships and in yourself, the other will take a wrecking ball to it.
Let’s start off, by exploring the concept of being nice.
While it’s not a one-size-fits-all thing, being nice usually comes from a place of wanting to avoid conflict and keep the peace.
It’s about making sure people keep liking you, even if it means putting your own thoughts and feelings on the back burner. When you’re nice, you may find yourself saying “yes” when you really want to say “no,” agreeing to things that make you uncomfortable, or smiling through situations that leave you feeling drained.
Think of the hallway meeting that inevitably happens after the original one. The one where you nod your head and display just enough agreeance on your face to stay in favour.
On the surface, being nice seems like the polite, socially acceptable thing to do. After all, who doesn’t want to be seen as a nice person? But here’s the kicker – when you’re constantly nice at the expense of your own needs, you’re actually being unkind to others, and also unkind to yourself.
You’re not only enabling their poor behaviour, you’re also rewarding it, which in the long run, isn’t doing anyone any favours.
You’re also rescuing these people by letting their toxicity go through to the keeper, and as we know – the more you rescue people, the more people you’ll attract who need you to.
But I get it – speaking up and telling someone they’re a pratt, or talking sh*t isn’t who you are and you’re not about to start doing that kind of thing anytime soon – which is lucky, because neither of those things are kind. I don’t want you resorting to this kind of thing, because it’ll make you no better than the person you’re dealing with.
You do NOT need to start being nasty, once you stop being nice.
Kindness, on the other hand, is a different beast entirely.
Being kind means being real and authentic, not just to others, but also to yourself.
Kindness is born out of empathy and compassion, and about dishing it out to them and yourself, equally.
It’s also the place where setting boundaries and respecting your own needs becomes an easy thing to do, rather than feeling like pulling the pin on a grenade.
When you’re kind, you care about people enough to call them out respectfully, and deliver the feedback that will help them be better. You don’t speak up in a way that’s offensive or judgemental, you simply inspire them to take accountability for the impact they’re having on others, and let’s face it – the impact they’re having on their own reputation without even realising it.
Kindness creates genuine connections because it’s grounded in honesty. It shows others that you respect them enough to be real with them, and it shows yourself that you deserve the same respect in return. When you choose kindness over niceness, you’re not just helping others, you’re helping EVERYONE, including yourself.
OK, let me give you an example of how to make the leap from nice, to kind.
Scenario (Let’s go back to the hallway meeting):
“OMG, can you believe how much that person interrupted people who had something to share? Every time they spoke, BAM they got talked over. It’s no wonder so many people have learned to just stay quiet. I learned that lesson a long time ago – keep quiet, because noooooo one cares!”
Here’s you being NICE:
Mmmmmm. Yup. *sigh* Yeah, ahhh! Yup. *nod*
Here’s you being KIND:
You know what, that’s really valuable feedback, maybe they thought they were being helpful and didn’t realise the impact it was having. How about I come with you, so you can have a word with them now, because if that was me, I’d want to know how I came across.
Then, the person will respond in one of two ways.
Response 1: The person will say, “oh wow, yeah, you’re right. I never thought about it like that. Sure, let’s go raise it with them now.
Response 2 (and let’s face it – the most likely): “Pfft! As IF they’d listen”
… then they’ll probably walk away.
But it’s ok …your intention here wasn’t to solve the bigger problem of people allegedly being interrupted. Your intention is to be kind enough to set a behaviour-change boundary.
That boundary sounded like – hey, I’ll come with you, let’s let them know – but the REAL boundary you set, between the lines, was hey, if you’re going to complain to me, I’m going to care enough about you and your experience, to take you seriously – and then expect you to do something about it.
How likely is it that your judgy pants wearing colleague will unload on you like that again?
Maybe one or two more times, but with consistency in calling them out with kindness, it’ll be a pretty rare occurrence.
Side note: By calling this person out, you have given them respectful insight into their own behaviour, possibly insight they haven’t had before. You have also given them a vehicle with which to actually address genuine concerns. They might do this a bit later on, after your conversation – or they might be more inclined to address the interrupting behaviour when it happens in future meetings. You have also taught yourself that when you step up and be kind to yourself by setting some boundaries, you won’t die.
BTW – THIS is how you stop bullying in your workplace. You stop trying to change the bullies, and simply teach the enablers (the nice people) to stop enabling them. If you’d like to learn more about this, drop me a line here.
In conclusion, why should you care about the difference between being nice and being kind?
Because the way you approach these concepts can shape your relationships, your self-esteem, your communication, your happiness.
When you’re stuck in the habit of being nice, you often end up feeling resentful, exhausted, and unappreciated. You put yourself on the discount rack and teach others to treat you accordingly. It’s not helpful – to anyone!
But when you operate from a place of kindness – true, authentic kindness – you create a balance that benefits everyone. You’re able to support others without sacrificing your own needs, and you build relationships on a foundation of openness, respect and trust. Kindness doesn’t drain you, it empowers you. In fact, it empowers everyone.
At the end of the day, the world doesn’t need more nice people – it needs more kind people.
People who are willing to be honest, authentic, and compassionate, even when it’s hard.
So, the next time you’re tempted to be nice, ask yourself if what you’re about to say is actually harmful, or helpful long term.
